who are you to say?

Please stop coming around,
or at least just give me time to understand a few things.
if you come around right now, im not so sure that you're helping things.
right now in my life, I'm not trying to understand you or your intentions.
I'm trying to help myself right now.
For the first time in a long time, I'm going to do something for myself.

I don't want to be a part of a 12 step program.
I don't want to be on the bottom of the list.
If you're going to try, I might as well be on the top pf your list.
until then, I can't help but be angry.

I'm sorry that you missed out, and I'm sorry that you messed up.
Right now is not good for me, about 7 years ago I tried harder than any 10 year old out there.
I was the most anxious, hardworking, dedicated pre teen.
I attempted to write you everyday, I called you, hell I even spent my sunday afternoons eating countless popsicles while sitting in my tree waiting for you to remember me and that carnival you continually promised me.
It never happened.
I didn't give up though, until last year.

You finally showed up.
They cut down that tree last summer.

compassion?

Sometimes it is hard for the world to feel compassion for individual feelings when there is so much more at stake for the rest of the world. It seems almost impossible to help someone out in the time of need when their problems seem so miniscule when compared to larger issues. I think that is going to be one of my life lessons. At some point in my life I need to be able to find that compassion and that patience that is required to understand so many more people on individual levels. It is going to be a hard task, but honestly I feel that i can accomplish it.
I guess I kind of got the ball rolling myself lately. I'm starting to throw what I like to call 'pity parties'. I have been dealing with some internal problems lately. Its good in a way because its starting to shape me more andmore as a person, more than I ever really thought possible. I almost feel embarrassed to feel bad for myself. is that healthy? Is it bad for someone to care so little about the welfare of themselves that they end of throwing out their feelings completely? My life has become overwhelming to the point where I don't even know when to breathe or when to open my eyes. I just don't get it! I'm so angry at some things, but yet I'm so greatful at the same time! What the hell? There are storms and there are rainbows. It all mixes together into this whirlwind that I call life. I feel like I can't tell anyone these things because I'll be complaining about things that are so ridiculous. My homelife has changed dramatically this year. Its harming my family. what used to be a tight knit slightly dysfunctional family has turned into a mass of people with hurt emotions and angered tempers. There is confusion and there is ambiguous existence. I'm sorry. I just hate to bother people with problems that can only be solved by me changing my stubbornly oppinionated attitude and accepting things.

My mom blames me for everything, and I just can't take it anymore. It's more complicated than it sounds. I swear. I sound ridiculous, but if only you lived in my shoes and did the tasks I do daily you would understand. I'm sorry.

Thats why I think I am finally going to attempt to understand others. I'm tired of not understanding others. I'm going to have to build a lot of patience and then maybe then I can learn to sympathize others and their turmoils. I'm going to write this in my book, the one that i'm writing about parents and their rebellions to us teenagers. I need help. I need support. I need love. I just need you.

Tell me I can.

I know I can. I just need some help every now and then.