poo.

Poo in my soup.
I miss you.
And you're right there.
I feel like we're drifting, and it hurts.
Don't walk away.

The Pig of Happiness is a good book;

I really don't think they like me anymore.
Thats a bit too presumptuous to say, but its the way I feel.
The worst part is that I'm the reason the summer has played out the way it has.
I need to clean my Goddamn room. I think I'll be happier once that actually gets accomplished. I want them to know I care.
I want to succeed.
I want to pursue my goals.
I need help.
I need money.
I need for the world to stop throwing hate parties.
If you are happier, we're all happier.
Lets get happy.
Please?
I love lucy episodes anyone? They cheer me up.
The constant emotional roller coaster ride, the chaotic stress and the hurting is all due to one girl's insanity.

It's actually quite ridiculous how absolutely different I have become. I know its true. How ironic. The girl who fears change more than death itself, has slowly triggered the metamorphosis effect. I hate to admit it myself, and I know anyone I talk to will deny it to my face but speak of it when I'm gone...I am slowly maturing and I'm not so sure I'm liking it. I don't know what to do anymore!

Ha! Yet again, I have this knack for writing ambiguous depression blogs. To those who do not know me or do not see me on a regular basis, I need for you to know that I am healthy ( for the most part), and extremely happy. It just so happens that I prefer to discus the sadder lonelier side of my feelings in a much more introverted way. I have too much happiness pent up inside of me all too often that comes out easily, yet somehow it never makes it to my fingertips or this keyboard. I apologize. I swear I am not a deranged lunatic.
Life is good and the Lord is great.
I'm just noticing my flaws lately and it hurts.
Some people point them out to me, thats always really nice...remembering your flaws and stuff. Great. NOT.


I'm made up of a lot of flaws, but I'm sticked together with good intentions.

I swear to god my life could be an indie film;

I'm just scared now.
I'm afraid that I'm going to be the only one who isn't moving forward.
I've come to a point in my life where its difficult to maintain everything.
I have support, but its coming from the wrong angles.
I have love, but its not helping me where I most need it.
I'm having a hard time actually going in the direction that I have been telling myself to go in for my entire existence.
Its scary when you can't control life's obstacles, but its even more frightening when you are in complete control of all of the issues that are sitting right in front of you.
You are the reason you are mad.
You are the reason others are upset.
You are the reason that task wasn't completed.
You are the one who can't make IT happen.
Its all on you, and its the hardest thing to cope with.
Its the time in all of our lives where we are supposed to live carefree, happy-go-lucky lives.
Its just not as easy as it seems.
People get by just fine, some live with cancer, some destroy their lives with alcohol, sex, drugs and eating disorders.
People live through abuse, so why should I be complaining?
I have debated this over and over in my head for the past year.
I have come to a healthy conclusion.
BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY DAMN RIGHT TO BE UPSET.
I am in the driver seat, therefore; if I am unhappy with a situation that I can control I can be devastated with a wrong-turn on my path to so-called greatness.
I'm tired of vague internet blurbs, I'm annoyed at myself with my notorious ambiguous comments of mild sadness.
Its time I lay it out in flat print so I can tell MYSELF why I'm so damn upset with this particular segment of my life.

I want to go to college. I want to go on and start new things. I need to do this on my own. Its better that way. I may not have a place to live. I may not have a car to use, but damnit I need to live my life. I want to go to Fullerton but when I'm lacking support its hard to say that that is the path for me. I'm scared that I am going to go all out on a goal or dream only to be severely dissapointed and hear "I Told You So". I want to get to the top, but I KNOW its not that easy. Just sympathize with me when I'm upset. Honesty is great, but sometimes bullshit sympathy is nice to hear. This is me ranting. I'm sorry. I just am very proud of myself for spilling this to myself and the very few readers that I know care enough about me to graze this web page with their eyes. THANK YOU for caring.

I need to change my ways.
I need to be upfront and stop hiding everything.
I have this tendency to try to fix everything as it comes along, even if its not broken.
Maybe if I just leave things be and live my life in an honest godly way, things will be nicer.
II just need space. Money would be nice, but I'll just gamble or something instead.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I need to pick up a new hobby to relieve my stress.

I love you, yes you.