Needless to say; I'm needy.

Now, more than ever, I've been feeling rather needy- in terms of love and relationships. I can't quite figure out just exactly how I want to express myself though. I don't really have any genuine means of an outlet these days, just a few odd ended hobbies here and there. I'm trapped. Trapped within myself, waiting and wishing for a release. But instead I sit here as my pain festers and boils over into an explosion of ambiguous verbiage all over these precious keys of my precious tablet. I tried painting. I try writing. I bought a camera. I dance about. I sing, sing songs and knit and sew- none of which passionately enough to convey the deepest woes and sweetest sorrows of my ever-tearing emotional heart. If comfort were money, I'd be penniless. For as of now i don't feel that I'm getting the love that I so deserve. Or maybe Im just needy. I could of sworn that a relationship was centered around companionship and balance. I need him to realize that there is more to life than music. More to love than guitar. One shouldn't have to worry about the world when his, so-called "world" is in front of him. "I'm right here!", I'm dying to chant, but as my grandfather once had told me- its not my choice to make them see. He'll see what he has in time, but time can't come soon enough. I guess I just have to let time tick. I want the hurt to stop though. Thats the part they didn't warn you about. regardless of your patience, the wounds you still do feel.

These words struck home tonight as I listened to them as I lay awake in bed,

"Sometimes I wish for falling

Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief"

I couldn't agree more. Falling is the best part. I live for it, and the crash too. I feel like sometimes Jon and I grow so far apart from one another that we somehow get this cosmic need to crash into one another. To get that release. To feel...again. Too bad our remedy is fleeting.

Hopefully these kinks will work themselves out in time. Oh look, theres that blasted being again- Time.

.

Blink.

This song has been in my head all week. Singin in the shower. In the rain. The car... Well, my bike.

"Yeah, when I was only 17,
I could hear the angels whispering
So I droned into the words and wandered aimlessly about
Until I heard my mother shouting through the fog
It turned out to be the howling of a dog
Or a wolf to be exact, the sound sent shivers down my back
But I was drawn into the pack and before long
They allowed me to join in and sing their song
So from the cliffs and highest hill, yeah
We would gladly get our fill
Howling endlessly and shrilly at the dawn
And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong
For my flesh had turned to fur, yeah
And my thoughts, they surely were
Turned to instinct and obedience to God.

You can wear your fur
like a river on fire
But you better be sure
if you're makin' God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, Babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna' get made,
Don't be afraid of what you've learned

On the day that I turned 23,
I was curled up underneath a dogwood tree
When suddenly a girl with skin the color of a pearl
She wandered aimlessly, but she didn't seem to see
She was listenin' for the angels just like me
So I stood and looked about
I brushed the leaves off of my snout
And then I heard my mother shouting through the trees
You should have seen that girl go shaky at the knees
So I took her by the arm
We settled down upon a farm
And raised our children up as gently as you please.

And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that I confess I do not know
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
An' through the howlin' winds that blow,
Across the ancient distant flow,
It fill our bodies up like water till we know.

You can wear your fur
Like a river on fire
But you better be sure
If you're makin' God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, Babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna' get made,
Don't be afraid of what you've learned"

.

Dear reality,

You're a bitch.

Love, Jenna