khkshgls;

Its funny how I always seem to have so much to say all of the time no matter where i am at or what i am doing at that particular moment of my life. i always have something that i can/need to say. my thoughts are constantly flowing through my brain. they spread like wildfire at any given moment. most of the time i can say them freely and burst with words and sounds colorful gestures. Here is the thing though, i can only seem to burst out with utter happiness and constant joy. the bad stuff gets pent up inside of my brain. i can decided why. i dont understand if its because i'm too afraid to admit the flaw to myself or if its my inherently optimistic outlook on life that prevents me from seeing the flaws with reality. I swear somewhere along the lines my subconscious is blocking the negativity from my mind for some ridiculous reasons. i can't quite place my finger on it. I don't understand it. why can't i just say how i feel instead of writing it all in my journal or posting ambiguous blogs of nonsense. they never make sense, but that's the beauty to them and to me. me and the words formed here dont really seem to make sense. I need to learn to say how i feel when the emotion occurs. it does no good to hold inside because at that point it becomes old news. i have to tell people. but who want s to listen? the book. thats who. so i continuously write. lyrics. poetry. short stories. notes to myself. letters to them. and even some doodles. I can't hold it all in. maybe if i was more open with my thoughts people would be willing to understand the insanity, but im not even sure that this chaos is worthy of the word insanity. its not really all that bad. just a case of tears here, love there, hate there, BPD there, hurt, pain, love, nostalgia, death, disease, control issues, friendships lost, friendships gained, friends misplaced. its a mere mess of life. we all have it. some of us sweep it under the rug, others just clean the house top to bottom only to have it messy again. I tend to sweep it up and make a pile in the corner, but that pile is growing larger and its getting to be a huge problem. You can't ignore the elephant in the room. so here is my chaos-thus far. don't judge me. help me. call me. tell me you're there, even if its just for a nice chat about the weather. I'm not insane by any means. JUST HURT. Its a cumulation of pain though. Its my fault, and im ready to start repairing the damages.
On another note, I really enjoyed the united states of Leeland. I liked this quote alot.
"the funny thing about tears are they can't make somebody love you who doesn't love you anymore."- United States of Leeland.

Want;

I get this funny feeling that we aren't friends anymore and it hurts.
I can't quite place my finger on it though.
I keep lying to myself saying everything is the same and nothing has changed.
I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm starting to question myself.
I want to make things work, on all sides of the spectrum.
I want to work it out with him and him and even him.
I want to talk to her.
I want to know why.
I want to stop wanting.


Gosh.

He who thinketh little of my thoughts;

I don't really care what you think.
I'm interested by it.
I'm intelligent.
Thank you.

Cahhh-lege.

I'm strong, but damnit this is harder than I expected.
This is definitely more difficult than I bargained for.
I can do it, but I miss so many people.
They're having such great lives and I'm not a part of any of it.
I will come home and visit eventually but as of right now its so hard to pretend that this change is completely ok with me.
I'm sorry, but I miss circus oh so much!
I want to live out my passion.
I want to tumble and swing and spin my way into the world.
I want to sing and dance and laugh and play!
OH DEARY ME!!!!!

GIVE ME BACK MY CIRCUS LIFE!

Haha;

I'm a liar!
I don't actually care about what you're saying.

Oh jason,

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
D-d-do do you, do you, d-d-do, do you want to come?
Scooch on over closer dear, I'll whisper in your ear
Oh yes love, love love love love love
Love you love, love you love
I've been spending way too long tricking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Come on and open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
So please don't, there's no need
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours, I'm sayin' I'm yours

-Jason Mraz.
That silly little devil. He is so wise.

Golden age;

This is the golden age.
We are living for now.
The ones we love will stick right by us.
Distance is merely an obstacle to hop right on over.
I can do this.
Its simple.
Make new friends, but keep the old.
Stay in touch with the ones you love.
But venture out, don't think, just do.
LIVE your life.
Its easier said than done, i know, but we can do it.
Just stay true to yourself.
Change with your years, but keep your character.
You've got this.
:]

Blah.

I just want my mommy.

WHY?

Me and Change don't mix well.
I hate to be so profane in my attempt to hate the world, but-FUCK CHANGE.
I don't exactly welcome change with open arms.
Its just not my thing.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm very anxious and excited for new things and new people but I can't handle walking away from my bedroom.
I don't want to.
I already said goodbye to jonny boy.
Now everyone who i'm going to leave behind is next on my list of farewells.
OYE!!!!!!
I Don't want to leave.

:/

CHANGE.

Fuck that shit.











I don't do change.