Time is all around; except inside my box.

This weekend, to say the least, was rather eye opening. I must admit that I have been sifting through the bullshit that is my mind, and I think that I just might be coming to terms with myself and what I want with this so-called life. I met a few good people, saw Jason Mraz live at the Greek, engaged in the rekindling of an old friendship, felt trust for the first time in a VERY long time, enjoyed the smells, sights and wonderment of the joyous San Francisco (again) and definitely started to rethink where I’m going exactly. I love Berkeley, for the most part, but seeing the town and those people really helped me to organize my wants and needs for this future that I seem to be continuously pushing off to the side. You see folks, unfortunately, I have a terrible tendency to put most of life’s most important issues on the back-burner. In fact, its quite disgusting how much I would rather hop on a train to Chicago, and begin my ways as an ambivalent transient. I want too much with this minute existence that I can’t seem to root myself anywhere. I never received that gene. Comfort scares me, complacency bothers me. I can’t handle change, but I get consumed in habit. I want to live on forever in a continual state of wonderment, but sadly the conscious thought (what little I have) takes over me and reminds me, that in order to even be a transient, I must have money, and in order for one to have money, one must have a job, and in order for one to have a job, one must be educated. So, I suppose tomorrow morning I will resume the position of an irresolute socialite, who hides behind that smile. I will continue to laugh, and smile. I will make jokes, whilst the fire inside my soul continues to burn its way through my heart and into my esophagus, until it reaches my throat, and I become at a loss for words. I will walk with my secret, and hold my head high. All the while my shoulders, weighing down, in agony as I continue to run. Run away from opulence. Run away from my own desires, my own issues and my only chance at love. I want to be engaged in something passionate. I need an outlet, I need motivation. I want to exist, and exist well.

Words to the wise.

Cool summer grass
it beckons and calls
and I lie here with you
in my heart
now I tried but I failed
to hide and disguise
this one simple
sentiment
I can’t forget you

-Lowery

Mmm.

If you must know, I haven't found the right words to put here for some time now. I've lost that creative spark, and now here I sit a mess of words at my finger tips and not a word will do. I'll be back with thoughts before you know it, but for now here are some pictures of my latest adventure with ms.kholland. :)






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I need a remedy;

Its these damn late Redlands' nights that always get me thinking. I swear there is just something prevalent in the air the second that sun drops behind the horizon that's created from the trees and homes that lie in front of my house. I'll never understand why the most thought provoking location in my life is right here on the edge of my late 1990's oak framed bed, (the one plastered in lavender flowers and fitted with the black-barbie sheets that my mom picked out, she always wanted me to be cultured, or so she said. I still think the sheets were on sale at Mervyn's so she got what was left.) I can never exactly explain myself too well, so once again I ask of you to just read my blog, and maybe you can see my heart's story pour out between the lines.
Lets begin at the beginning, shall we? Although there isn't really a beginning middle or end to my story, because after all this isn't really a story. I could make it one! Then you readers could figure out the theme of my writing! Or how about motifs and character struggles! NO. I'm really not that sort of writer. Forgive me. I'll stick to my usual. Flamboyant, edgy, ambiguous thoughts of my meandering, late-teenage mind.
I'm feeling very unappreciated by my #1 these days. Its the first time in a long time that I've had a handful of companions that I could rely on, but with that positive addition I feel like I've noticed Jon slipping quickly into his dreams of stardom and fame. I am overjoyed with the fact that he is finally accomplishing his one true dream. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I fear that soon enough this so-called passion is going to latch onto him like an ancient indian ritual of blood-sucking leeches. Music is becoming his number one thought. I'm almost as jealous of the music as I would be any girl that stepped in between me and the wonderful Mr. Giordano. So in the case of this blog, we'll refer to "the music" as skank. I felt it appropriate. I really don't want to elaborate, I only wish he supported me the way I supported him. I wish he held me in a similar way that he plays that guitar. I wish there was a bit more fairy dust in our love and most of all I wish he would read what I write, without query. That skank took my Jonny, and I'm afraid the only way to win him back is if I engulf myself amongst his passion. If I can't beat them, I'll join them.

I think...

...everything should...




PS: visit my other site!

CircusRunaway.

Can you spare some conversation?

I need a yellow taxi cab today.


I think it would be great to get away for a while. I really think its a needed action in my life. My life is like an ipod playlist set on repeat. The playlist is my favorite one i've made this year, it has great tunes and somber ballads. They're so monotonous to me now. I mean they're great songs, don't get me wrong, but I need change. Not just any kind of change. I need raw, self-induced, self-inflicted transformation. These songs are what I hear everyday, and their soft, beautiful harmonies have evolved into mundane noise that plays in the background of every scene of my not-so-dramatic drama. I have nothing wrong, no ailments, no death, but something is missing in my life, my love and my existence. I NEED something that I can't quite place a finger on what that just might be. I need to exist elsewhere for a while, before I make any rash decisions. I just want to to feel different. I want to feel more important, more real, more loved, more cherished. I am not needy, only blinded in love.


get over it Jenna.

COOL.

No longer are they pigs or jerks.
New idea of badass. :]

Weary?

I really feel like weary is not the proper term I need right now for how I have been feeling, but for now it will need to suffice as I do my usual duty of rambling on with nonsense as I attempt to tell the world my sorrows and delights. I am not quite sure of the word that is needed in my mind at this point. Do you ever find yourself thinking that? Do you ever ponder something deep in your mind, to the point where it seems to bring you down in a weird funk? I always get in weird funks, but because I am one to internalize everything, when I get around people or social gatherings I tuck it away in my little box only to unleash a great mess of emotions all over my journal's pages seconds before I sleep later that night. As of right now I am in that terrible funk and i can't seem to describe it. None of the words i have scoped out in my little pocket dictionary seem to connect with me right now. Irritated is too harsh. Annoyed too brash and weary seems to dramatic. I'm tired, but that doesn't seem to work either. I suppose I will just have to let the right word find me. Does that also really happen in life? Does God "find" us? Does true love "find" us? Are we really just supposed to wait on the side lines and clap as the rest go by, on their way to claiming their glory and living their futures? I think its up to me to manifest my own destiny. i think its up to me to create myself, but why have I not begun? Am i afraid of failure? I'm too sure. Hmmm. I need to eat. cookies anyone?

true.

Its right about this time of the day that I get bored. God save us all from my boredom. Last time I was bored I bathed the cat. With the cat actually.