Weary?

I really feel like weary is not the proper term I need right now for how I have been feeling, but for now it will need to suffice as I do my usual duty of rambling on with nonsense as I attempt to tell the world my sorrows and delights. I am not quite sure of the word that is needed in my mind at this point. Do you ever find yourself thinking that? Do you ever ponder something deep in your mind, to the point where it seems to bring you down in a weird funk? I always get in weird funks, but because I am one to internalize everything, when I get around people or social gatherings I tuck it away in my little box only to unleash a great mess of emotions all over my journal's pages seconds before I sleep later that night. As of right now I am in that terrible funk and i can't seem to describe it. None of the words i have scoped out in my little pocket dictionary seem to connect with me right now. Irritated is too harsh. Annoyed too brash and weary seems to dramatic. I'm tired, but that doesn't seem to work either. I suppose I will just have to let the right word find me. Does that also really happen in life? Does God "find" us? Does true love "find" us? Are we really just supposed to wait on the side lines and clap as the rest go by, on their way to claiming their glory and living their futures? I think its up to me to manifest my own destiny. i think its up to me to create myself, but why have I not begun? Am i afraid of failure? I'm too sure. Hmmm. I need to eat. cookies anyone?

true.

Its right about this time of the day that I get bored. God save us all from my boredom. Last time I was bored I bathed the cat. With the cat actually.

Oh!

Love, or something like it.

This is my Jonny. :)

Maybe if it rains again the boots will come out to play!

Hmph.

Why do I care so much?! I always feel the need to get angry at him, its that little ounce of control that I still have over him. That's all I have. Its all I have left to control. My own emotions, so I get mad at him. For having fun and laughing and drinking while I sit alone at home because I'm so lost in my own morality that I just runaway. The worst feeling is that I sit here alone, typing vague bleak thoughts. They bounce off my keyboard and beyond into the vast cyberspace world, where I know with all my heart and soul that he will never come across this. I've told him that I write, that it isn't good but it's from my heart and that maybe to someone its good, but he has yet to read anything I've spilled from my brain. Doesn't he know that I listen to HIS music everyday while I walk to class, wait for class, work-out, run, cry?! I feel so lame. I am, aren't I? I can't bare to tell him all of this though, because it means that once again I'm too dramatic and unreasonable. I just want him to care, but without me asking. I just wish he'd follow through with his promises. I ask way too much. I'm so demanding. I can only seem to control though, I'm sick, and twisted. I disgust myself. I wish he would just pick up those books he told me he'd read for me. I wish he'd stop drinking. I'm so terribly afraid of mistakes to be made. I literally wait for them to happen. I stress over the next fight, because I sense it on the horizon. I know its coming. I walk on egg shells. I'm too unstable for this relationship. And what's keeping the flame alive? A little intimacy here and there? Stubborn natures? I have no idea. I wish he'd understand that. I want...blek. Never mind. It doesn't even make sense. I want to start over, be free. I want to travel. I want him there. BUT I want a different version, and for that want I am a terrible person. I want to experience. And I want to do it passionately.

Okay, world. I get it.

Dear World,
There is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring. The last one out of the circus has to lock up everything. I want to be that last one out, lock it all up and close the gates.
Its becoming increasingly difficult to manage my time and my life these days. I don't really know what I"m doing or where I'm going. I know its a trend, we all feel the same and all that jazz, but I have no one. Or at least I feel in such a way. Everyone I thought would be there is missing. Everyone I want to be there is disconnected and my own personal distractions and issues have spilled over into my public thought and now I sit here in confusion waiting for answers! I want some close friends that I can go to at all hours of the night. I wish I was comfortable enough to talk to people when I was sad. I can't seem to bring myself to speak at those moments. I just hush, smile and bow my head in sadness. I can't seem to grasp a handle on life. I need help.
Love, Jenna

JENNA, its time you:

1. Learn to say NO. You can't help everyone.
2. Manage your time.
3. STOP being a flake. You're practically a professional.
4. Love with all your might. Believe it or not there are people who do love you and want no more in life than to love you.
-The world

HAHA.

:/

After seeing that movie 3 times, then weighing my life, then seeing what I see, then talking with them, and knowing what i want, and not seeing it. ITs time i make a pros and cons list.

Step 2. Letting Go

Its about time I start telling myself the advice that I tell so many other people. Its about time that I actually listen to myself talk. I talk alot. Almost too much for myself to comprehend, because you see... I have ADD. Now its time that I break up this process into steps. We've learned that we need to accept. We may not use it and apply it everyday, but we know that it needs to be done. We're starting to grow. We're learning. We'll get there. Now this was my sad attempt at transitioning to the next step of my progress of change for this new year. Its called letting go. We've accepted that something was wrong. We've accepted that we were unhappy. We've accepted that something happened. We've accepted the past and now its time to let it go and move on. Grow. Prosper. Here is the next challenge: Let go.
As for me its time that I understand the past so that I can leave it behind. I used to think that only a miracle wold help me move on. I have this obsessive tendency to let simple things chew away at me. I let moments of the past, expired empty promises and forgotten days eat away at me. I kept living in the past and focusing on what was done wrong so long ago. Some things were done right but never ended up working out. I never knew that the miracle I was anticipating was something none other than a shift in perception. We need to go back a few steps to go forward, so this is where I began my quest for resolving my issues of the past, so that I can go forward. The present is the only time there is. My miracle is a shift in thinking from what I might have done in the past or should be doing for my future to what I feel is right in the present. THe capacity we have for brilliance is equal to the capacity we have to forget the past and forget the future. The only meaning our past has is that it got us to where we are. It built our character. It taught us to love. It showed us the light. We are here because of where we were. Keep the good, let the rest go. Then what we are left with is the present. The opportunity to push forward, to go and grow and shape a new beginning. Create the start of something new. I've been struggling for sometime now with my past and the past of others. If it effects me I let it eat away at my heart and soul. It used to be an addiction I had. I was addicted to making myself feel sad and angry for things that people did. Its time that I, and whoever else may be reading this (Not many I'd assume) to forgive and move on. "Forgiveness is selective remembering. Its a conscious decision to focus on love and let the rest go." Let the moments of the past be your greatest teachers. Let the bad people of the past be the ones who test your capacity to forgive. It will make us stronger. Its easy to forgive somebody who has never hurt us before, but if one can forgive somebody for extreme amounts of pain, you can let everything but the good go and progress further into your future. I can't count the number of times that I let other girls pasts, Jon's EVERYTHING, image issues, beauty dilemmas, words or unfulfilled promises break me down. I let all the people of the past rule my every action of the now. I lived by what they did and how they acted. Oh she was so much prettier! Oh and she was so much more awesome! She saved the world! She partied! She was fun! They were happy. She was perfect :/ They were perfect. He hurt me. He lied. He left. She cried. Its built us all. Now lets leave it behind like birds do when they fly away. Focus on what's to come. What's now. Its time that we all realize that the only way to move on is to forgive and accept. I'm ready. I've sewed up the tears and goo-be-goned the carpets. Its going to be a great life. :)

Here's the challenge: Live in the present. Let go. Live. Smile. :)