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Just put your hands upon my waist.

We never change do we?

I've been walking in the same way as I did.

You make no mistake, I know just what it takes.

History sticks to your feet.

Life doesn't hold much mystery.

My cinderella, gone in a day. Maybe its better.

What> huh?? Makes no sense.

Jenna, you don't make sense.

Hey Papa,

I really miss you.

I hate titles.

I'm displeased. I could go on and attempt to write some somber piece about the woes of reality or my discontentment with the present moment, but honestly I'm just too tired. So I'll leave you with this:

Eh.

Accomplishments of the day (2)

[In Photos]

The Alchemist.

"Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

-Paulo Coelho

Today's Accomplishments (In photos)

Follow me on flickr. I'm just getting started.

flickr.com/circusrunaway.

Photos 2&3 are Katie Holland's.

Ducks&Chuck.

Lately I've been in the grumpiest state of mind. I can't seem to find any comfort throughout my days. Not from working, not from laughing, not even from running (metaphorically of course) I'm rather ambivalent in my endeavors of stating anything anew. At the end of the day I think I'd just rather curl up into a shriveled mess, rip out my hair and wale to the Gods of yester-year as I plea and pray that I'll find something that makes me feel as great as I used to. If it isn't the "what I'm doing" that's making me unhappy, then it has to be the "what I'm NOT doing" thats pressing my buttons. I can't seem to please anyone (not that I should have to) nor can I seem to please myself. I'm instead caught between the past and future looking as lost as that little lamb in the field today. I don't WANT anything, I need something, but I've lost the drive that is oh so necessary for me to kick any passion or fervor that I may have left into motion. I'm so tired. confused. annoyed. sad. angry. distraught. lost. found. up. down. unfunny. not-me. blue. red. sick. healthy. weezy. breezy. sleezy. I am NOT a child. I listen to music. I write. I love. I sing. I laugh. But none of it is the remedy for this case of incertitude.

SO Today, I decided to go ahead and FIND a remedy for myself and for the sake of those around me. I went to take pictures (another of my attempts to find something that might help me outlet this array of creativity/emotions/etc). On that walk/journey/adventure I met a friend. His name was chuck. And a very cute chuck at that. We met as he took a picture of me, taking a picture of Katie, taking a picture of a beautiful sunset. He came up to us as to joke about how comical it was for this old geezer to be taking a picture of such lovely subjects. We immediately bonded since all three of us are faithful to the Nikon family and from there began a lengthy discussion on the importance of art and creativity in one's life. He was a truly beautiful man, inside and out. Right down to his absolutely adorable track suit. I loved his words. He spoke so highly of art, so highly of passion and unknowingly answered the silly questions that played on repeat in my mind. I still don't know if the almighty one's name is God, but if so this may just be one of the signs I need right now. It could also just be pure coincidence, but for now I choose to believe willingly into the idea that maybe I can live a fulfilling life comprised primarily of art and laughter. It's funny how life tends to throw you a sign every now and again, regardless if you're willing to take that manifestation for what its worth. I hope you too can find something today, or tonight or tomorrow that ignites that flame within your heart, so you too can feel refreshed.

Needless to say; I'm needy.

Now, more than ever, I've been feeling rather needy- in terms of love and relationships. I can't quite figure out just exactly how I want to express myself though. I don't really have any genuine means of an outlet these days, just a few odd ended hobbies here and there. I'm trapped. Trapped within myself, waiting and wishing for a release. But instead I sit here as my pain festers and boils over into an explosion of ambiguous verbiage all over these precious keys of my precious tablet. I tried painting. I try writing. I bought a camera. I dance about. I sing, sing songs and knit and sew- none of which passionately enough to convey the deepest woes and sweetest sorrows of my ever-tearing emotional heart. If comfort were money, I'd be penniless. For as of now i don't feel that I'm getting the love that I so deserve. Or maybe Im just needy. I could of sworn that a relationship was centered around companionship and balance. I need him to realize that there is more to life than music. More to love than guitar. One shouldn't have to worry about the world when his, so-called "world" is in front of him. "I'm right here!", I'm dying to chant, but as my grandfather once had told me- its not my choice to make them see. He'll see what he has in time, but time can't come soon enough. I guess I just have to let time tick. I want the hurt to stop though. Thats the part they didn't warn you about. regardless of your patience, the wounds you still do feel.

These words struck home tonight as I listened to them as I lay awake in bed,

"Sometimes I wish for falling

Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief"

I couldn't agree more. Falling is the best part. I live for it, and the crash too. I feel like sometimes Jon and I grow so far apart from one another that we somehow get this cosmic need to crash into one another. To get that release. To feel...again. Too bad our remedy is fleeting.

Hopefully these kinks will work themselves out in time. Oh look, theres that blasted being again- Time.

.

Blink.

This song has been in my head all week. Singin in the shower. In the rain. The car... Well, my bike.

"Yeah, when I was only 17,
I could hear the angels whispering
So I droned into the words and wandered aimlessly about
Until I heard my mother shouting through the fog
It turned out to be the howling of a dog
Or a wolf to be exact, the sound sent shivers down my back
But I was drawn into the pack and before long
They allowed me to join in and sing their song
So from the cliffs and highest hill, yeah
We would gladly get our fill
Howling endlessly and shrilly at the dawn
And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong
For my flesh had turned to fur, yeah
And my thoughts, they surely were
Turned to instinct and obedience to God.

You can wear your fur
like a river on fire
But you better be sure
if you're makin' God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, Babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna' get made,
Don't be afraid of what you've learned

On the day that I turned 23,
I was curled up underneath a dogwood tree
When suddenly a girl with skin the color of a pearl
She wandered aimlessly, but she didn't seem to see
She was listenin' for the angels just like me
So I stood and looked about
I brushed the leaves off of my snout
And then I heard my mother shouting through the trees
You should have seen that girl go shaky at the knees
So I took her by the arm
We settled down upon a farm
And raised our children up as gently as you please.

And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that I confess I do not know
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
An' through the howlin' winds that blow,
Across the ancient distant flow,
It fill our bodies up like water till we know.

You can wear your fur
Like a river on fire
But you better be sure
If you're makin' God a liar
I'm a rattlesnake, Babe,
I'm like fuel on fire
So if you're gonna' get made,
Don't be afraid of what you've learned"