Please stop coming around,
or at least just give me time to understand a few things.
if you come around right now, im not so sure that you're helping things.
right now in my life, I'm not trying to understand you or your intentions.
I'm trying to help myself right now.
For the first time in a long time, I'm going to do something for myself.
I don't want to be a part of a 12 step program.
I don't want to be on the bottom of the list.
If you're going to try, I might as well be on the top pf your list.
until then, I can't help but be angry.
I'm sorry that you missed out, and I'm sorry that you messed up.
Right now is not good for me, about 7 years ago I tried harder than any 10 year old out there.
I was the most anxious, hardworking, dedicated pre teen.
I attempted to write you everyday, I called you, hell I even spent my sunday afternoons eating countless popsicles while sitting in my tree waiting for you to remember me and that carnival you continually promised me.
It never happened.
I didn't give up though, until last year.
You finally showed up.
They cut down that tree last summer.
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i love u..its gonna be okay one day... if hes there or not .. it will be okay eventually....
ReplyDeleteI can relate. You know that. It's good for you to go through this. I forgave my mom when I was 17. "Forgave" isn't really the right word. It was more like letting go. It doesn't happen overnight, but for you, I'm sure it will happen. It's started already. You are beginning to understand that your parents are just people. They are not perfect and they have opinions and feelings and they don't always do the right thing or make the choice you would have made if you were them. But, like any human being, their lives are theirs to live. All you can do is accept and respect that the choice was theirs to make. You don't have to agree with it and you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it at some point. By accept, I mean let it go and realize that nothing you can do can change it and you must take what you have and look forward to the future.
ReplyDeleteIt may sound wrong, but perhaps the greatest gift he could give you was his absence. Chris and I talked about this once because his dad didn't leave and everyone wishes he had. Is it better to have a really crappy parent present in your life or better to have an absent parent. When you're little, like you said when you were 10, it's hard, but in some ways it might be better not to have the parent there. After all, then you can hang on to hope and imagine them to be what you wish for most. If they are in your life, or they reappear in your life, you have to face the reality that is them. I know that someday, when Chris' father dies, he will grieve much more deeply than he ever thought he would. He will grieve because he will have to let go of the tiny bit of hope that the little boy inside him had that somehow his father could be different. When he's dead, the book is written, the truth is set in stone. I wonder how I'll feel when my mom dies. Will I wish I had gotten to know her better, lived with her longer, grown up closer to her? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think that maybe I did my grieving when I was 17, when I finally decided that I liked who I was and that I wouldn't be who I was if I hadn't had every experience I'd gone through, including her leaving. I realized that the loss was hers, as was the choice. I knew I would never leave my kids so the cycle was broken before it was started. I cried for the mother I never had, the mother she couldn't be for me. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, then I picked myself up and moved on with my life. I became an adult.
It's a tough transition to make. I imagine in your shoes, it may be tougher. You are in the difficult position of having a parent who's dependent on you for some things. It's going to be hard, but your growing up and becoming an adult will be good for your mother, too. Understand that it won't be any easier for her than it is for you though. She loves you, and like the rest of us, she just doesn't know what she'll do without you. Have compassion for that, but understand that you have to do what you have to do for yourself. It's your job to become a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult and you're doing it very well. Your mom may not realize it, but if you grow up and move out on your own, go to college, and build a life, it means she did her job well. But we already knew that, didn't we?
migofriend. you rock my world. i like seeing this side of you. i really do. you shine. i love you.
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