khkshgls;

Its funny how I always seem to have so much to say all of the time no matter where i am at or what i am doing at that particular moment of my life. i always have something that i can/need to say. my thoughts are constantly flowing through my brain. they spread like wildfire at any given moment. most of the time i can say them freely and burst with words and sounds colorful gestures. Here is the thing though, i can only seem to burst out with utter happiness and constant joy. the bad stuff gets pent up inside of my brain. i can decided why. i dont understand if its because i'm too afraid to admit the flaw to myself or if its my inherently optimistic outlook on life that prevents me from seeing the flaws with reality. I swear somewhere along the lines my subconscious is blocking the negativity from my mind for some ridiculous reasons. i can't quite place my finger on it. I don't understand it. why can't i just say how i feel instead of writing it all in my journal or posting ambiguous blogs of nonsense. they never make sense, but that's the beauty to them and to me. me and the words formed here dont really seem to make sense. I need to learn to say how i feel when the emotion occurs. it does no good to hold inside because at that point it becomes old news. i have to tell people. but who want s to listen? the book. thats who. so i continuously write. lyrics. poetry. short stories. notes to myself. letters to them. and even some doodles. I can't hold it all in. maybe if i was more open with my thoughts people would be willing to understand the insanity, but im not even sure that this chaos is worthy of the word insanity. its not really all that bad. just a case of tears here, love there, hate there, BPD there, hurt, pain, love, nostalgia, death, disease, control issues, friendships lost, friendships gained, friends misplaced. its a mere mess of life. we all have it. some of us sweep it under the rug, others just clean the house top to bottom only to have it messy again. I tend to sweep it up and make a pile in the corner, but that pile is growing larger and its getting to be a huge problem. You can't ignore the elephant in the room. so here is my chaos-thus far. don't judge me. help me. call me. tell me you're there, even if its just for a nice chat about the weather. I'm not insane by any means. JUST HURT. Its a cumulation of pain though. Its my fault, and im ready to start repairing the damages.
On another note, I really enjoyed the united states of Leeland. I liked this quote alot.
"the funny thing about tears are they can't make somebody love you who doesn't love you anymore."- United States of Leeland.