Weary?

I really feel like weary is not the proper term I need right now for how I have been feeling, but for now it will need to suffice as I do my usual duty of rambling on with nonsense as I attempt to tell the world my sorrows and delights. I am not quite sure of the word that is needed in my mind at this point. Do you ever find yourself thinking that? Do you ever ponder something deep in your mind, to the point where it seems to bring you down in a weird funk? I always get in weird funks, but because I am one to internalize everything, when I get around people or social gatherings I tuck it away in my little box only to unleash a great mess of emotions all over my journal's pages seconds before I sleep later that night. As of right now I am in that terrible funk and i can't seem to describe it. None of the words i have scoped out in my little pocket dictionary seem to connect with me right now. Irritated is too harsh. Annoyed too brash and weary seems to dramatic. I'm tired, but that doesn't seem to work either. I suppose I will just have to let the right word find me. Does that also really happen in life? Does God "find" us? Does true love "find" us? Are we really just supposed to wait on the side lines and clap as the rest go by, on their way to claiming their glory and living their futures? I think its up to me to manifest my own destiny. i think its up to me to create myself, but why have I not begun? Am i afraid of failure? I'm too sure. Hmmm. I need to eat. cookies anyone?

true.

Its right about this time of the day that I get bored. God save us all from my boredom. Last time I was bored I bathed the cat. With the cat actually.

Oh!

Love, or something like it.

This is my Jonny. :)

Maybe if it rains again the boots will come out to play!

Hmph.

Why do I care so much?! I always feel the need to get angry at him, its that little ounce of control that I still have over him. That's all I have. Its all I have left to control. My own emotions, so I get mad at him. For having fun and laughing and drinking while I sit alone at home because I'm so lost in my own morality that I just runaway. The worst feeling is that I sit here alone, typing vague bleak thoughts. They bounce off my keyboard and beyond into the vast cyberspace world, where I know with all my heart and soul that he will never come across this. I've told him that I write, that it isn't good but it's from my heart and that maybe to someone its good, but he has yet to read anything I've spilled from my brain. Doesn't he know that I listen to HIS music everyday while I walk to class, wait for class, work-out, run, cry?! I feel so lame. I am, aren't I? I can't bare to tell him all of this though, because it means that once again I'm too dramatic and unreasonable. I just want him to care, but without me asking. I just wish he'd follow through with his promises. I ask way too much. I'm so demanding. I can only seem to control though, I'm sick, and twisted. I disgust myself. I wish he would just pick up those books he told me he'd read for me. I wish he'd stop drinking. I'm so terribly afraid of mistakes to be made. I literally wait for them to happen. I stress over the next fight, because I sense it on the horizon. I know its coming. I walk on egg shells. I'm too unstable for this relationship. And what's keeping the flame alive? A little intimacy here and there? Stubborn natures? I have no idea. I wish he'd understand that. I want...blek. Never mind. It doesn't even make sense. I want to start over, be free. I want to travel. I want him there. BUT I want a different version, and for that want I am a terrible person. I want to experience. And I want to do it passionately.