Turning in the Running shoes.

Beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

Suddenly reality just hit me like a freight train traveling down through the Santa Fe rail system.

Will you come on down to Santa Fe? Somebody come and rescue me from Santa Fe.

I’m slowly falling. Falling from grace and further and further into a tumultuous gloom that I’m fearful I will never be liberated from. It’s these conceptual problems that I have, these intangible ailments that don’t seem to contain any remedies of recovery. Instead the only drug I know is fleeting. My remedy: Run. Run until you can feel no more. Run until the mess is so far gone, laughter is all that’s known. Run until the quandary is foreign. Until you lose sight of your own pain. Just run. It’s a temporary cure to an all too ignored agony. Where does this all come from, I think to myself as I wander the halls of the Loma Linda University Medical Center? What has triggered this? Is it actually possible that something supernatural has occurred? …that reality itself has the strength to rip my sanity from beneath me? I keep all of those secret tears and thoughts of trepidation tucked away in an anatomical box beneath my mind meant for my heart only! How can this elusive savage possibly get inside of my head and bring these items to the surface? I suppose it was about time that I faced my worthy opponent. I guess it’s that ever-evasive beauty in her prime: Adulthood. I’m growing up and everybody but me is excited. My heart is so weary, my mind so heavy. I just don’t think that I’m doing any of this right. I’m too immature in my endeavors to grow up. I’m too dreamy in my attempts. There is not a chance in hell that I’m going to make it out alive, but in the end, who does? We all die. But I digress. This is the part that I’ve come to realize: Its time to stop running. It’s time to stop lying to myself. I need to stand in the face of adversity and in the face of reality and just spit. Stick it to the man! Whoever he may be. Recently after clean sweeping my room, it hit me how analogous that act actually was. I need a clean sweeping of my life! I can’t keep sweeping all of these emotions under the laughter rug. There are much too many personal issues for me to lay out on the table, because quite frankly…I’m just not that ready. I’ve got a lot of improvements to work on, but until then its just a constant reminder that I need to embrace. Don’t run. Its really simple, if you think about it. I can do this. Tackle those thoughts like a Cowboy’s linebacker on a Super bowl Sunday!

I can’t go back now. I’ve come this far. I can’t really say why everyone wishes they were somewhere else. God knows that if I had the chance I’d leave too. I’d travel far and wide. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t. That’s me, running. And as of now, that part of me is dead. It’s time to face actuality. I might need a hand or two, but it doesn’t really matter because in the end the only steps that matter are the ones I take all by myself.