Again;

I still continue to serve everyone else before myself.
what happens when i finally help everyone get their lives together, and then mine falls apart?
I won't let that happen.
I've got the best grip this side of the mississippi.
Literally and metaphorically speaking.
I've got to keep holding on.

Sometimes i feel like everything is moving so damn fast past me and I'm just standing here in a blur of people, plans and time.
Everything is sweeping past me faster than i can catch on. All I need is one damn minute to take a breath, but it just seems like nobody is giving me that chance to breathe, It's my own fault though i suppose, I brought this on myself.

I could have changed it all, I could have prevented this all, but I didn't. I'm stubborn.
This is one thing I wish i could change. I've fallen behind. I will never be able to catch up at this rate.

I've got to get my priorities straight. I'm going to go try to figure things out.

First I need to feed my cat.

tis true;

Today was by far the best day of my life.
who would have thought that so many people actually care so deeply about me that they would be willing to spend a glorious saturday evening surprising me.

I never knew that so many people actually loved me that much.
I can't believe that my tiny little life meant the world to so many.


I love you.
without a doubt.
I love you all.
you all complete me and make me who i am.


I still feel like i'm dreaming..

I'm still speechless.

drained

I'm tired.
I'm weary.
In a sense, I'm zonked.
There is definitely too much going on, and i seem to keep blaming all the domestic problems on one thing, or one person, for that matter.
Its horrible of me, but i do it.
I can't help how I feel.
To live a life that is even half as cool as the people i associate with, I must run around in circles pleasing certain people and finishing everything.
Its a never ending cycle of stress and emotions.
But guess what world, I CAN DO IT.

Jesse, I'm coming over to play your piano.

It helps me.
I know its really lame.
[eye roll]

But i really enjoy playing.

She Hides it Well;

At some point in your life, you begin to understand a lot of things.
These things could be as simple as understanding a math problem, but they can even be as complicated as analyzing your relationships with people or grasping the fact that it is possible to live without your mother. From the simple things to the complex things, we eventually learn that we are here to learn and grow. This is why I have decided to attack life in a slighty different way. I have a new approach to life's woes and I hope that this will help the friends I help too. I have decided to look at life through the wrong end of the telescope, which enables us to laugh at life's realities. Laughter is after all the best medicine. Laugh and you shall feel better. Come talk to me anytime, and I'll explain this to you in "Jenna-Lingo".

Trust me. It makes more sense in person.
:]

First & Foremost;

Life is good.

who are you to say?

Please stop coming around,
or at least just give me time to understand a few things.
if you come around right now, im not so sure that you're helping things.
right now in my life, I'm not trying to understand you or your intentions.
I'm trying to help myself right now.
For the first time in a long time, I'm going to do something for myself.

I don't want to be a part of a 12 step program.
I don't want to be on the bottom of the list.
If you're going to try, I might as well be on the top pf your list.
until then, I can't help but be angry.

I'm sorry that you missed out, and I'm sorry that you messed up.
Right now is not good for me, about 7 years ago I tried harder than any 10 year old out there.
I was the most anxious, hardworking, dedicated pre teen.
I attempted to write you everyday, I called you, hell I even spent my sunday afternoons eating countless popsicles while sitting in my tree waiting for you to remember me and that carnival you continually promised me.
It never happened.
I didn't give up though, until last year.

You finally showed up.
They cut down that tree last summer.

compassion?

Sometimes it is hard for the world to feel compassion for individual feelings when there is so much more at stake for the rest of the world. It seems almost impossible to help someone out in the time of need when their problems seem so miniscule when compared to larger issues. I think that is going to be one of my life lessons. At some point in my life I need to be able to find that compassion and that patience that is required to understand so many more people on individual levels. It is going to be a hard task, but honestly I feel that i can accomplish it.
I guess I kind of got the ball rolling myself lately. I'm starting to throw what I like to call 'pity parties'. I have been dealing with some internal problems lately. Its good in a way because its starting to shape me more andmore as a person, more than I ever really thought possible. I almost feel embarrassed to feel bad for myself. is that healthy? Is it bad for someone to care so little about the welfare of themselves that they end of throwing out their feelings completely? My life has become overwhelming to the point where I don't even know when to breathe or when to open my eyes. I just don't get it! I'm so angry at some things, but yet I'm so greatful at the same time! What the hell? There are storms and there are rainbows. It all mixes together into this whirlwind that I call life. I feel like I can't tell anyone these things because I'll be complaining about things that are so ridiculous. My homelife has changed dramatically this year. Its harming my family. what used to be a tight knit slightly dysfunctional family has turned into a mass of people with hurt emotions and angered tempers. There is confusion and there is ambiguous existence. I'm sorry. I just hate to bother people with problems that can only be solved by me changing my stubbornly oppinionated attitude and accepting things.

My mom blames me for everything, and I just can't take it anymore. It's more complicated than it sounds. I swear. I sound ridiculous, but if only you lived in my shoes and did the tasks I do daily you would understand. I'm sorry.

Thats why I think I am finally going to attempt to understand others. I'm tired of not understanding others. I'm going to have to build a lot of patience and then maybe then I can learn to sympathize others and their turmoils. I'm going to write this in my book, the one that i'm writing about parents and their rebellions to us teenagers. I need help. I need support. I need love. I just need you.

Tell me I can.

I know I can. I just need some help every now and then.

Loveliness

Sometimes I think it would be magnificent if our physical appearance was truly reflective of our personalities and our character. I wish that every part of my face and body was determined by how I was as a person. Then maybe just maybe I could be as beautiful as I feel and as extravagant as my character. I really think that it would teach the best lessons. Beautiful people really would be beautiful, inside and out, and those who are so indifferent and so cold, would resemble witches and warlocks.

I'm dreaming, but you have to admit that it would be cool.
&maybe we could better read other people, and we wouldn't get hurt so easily. I would love to not get hurt anymore. Its just a thought.

goodnight moon.
goodnight cyberspace.
goodnight jenna.

Breathe

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Frankie Sullivan

Frankie doesn't have good table manners.

I'll Be Departing Soon

Emily Matthews revealed this to me just a few moments ago.
I just about Cried my tears all out.
:/


So yesterday was the one year aniversary of the death of this girl Lucia.
she OD'd on triple C but thats her own fault
It was really sad because she was loved by so many ppl and they just miss her soo much
Now my friend Nikki from cheer was really good friends with her and she was crying all day

This made me think of you
and reminded me of how much i love you and if anything were to happen to you how sad i would be and how i wouldnt be anything but a person who isnt really there

I know that you will probably go to college in Washington with Jesse or some place far, though i want you to go to UCI i know that its your future and you will go where you want to

Me and You, You and Me have just one year left together before you start in the real world.
No more Kaitlyn and Kirsten
No more staying up til 3a.m. just talking about life
No more amazing birthday suprises
No more scootering to the market, or screwing whatever diet that came to my mind by eating fudge, or peeing my pants after just going to the bathroom, or dressing up in the contents of your closet and getting jumped by baybays
No more us.

Just when i learned to play catch I only have one year to get good at it
Its me, jen, i need way more than a year

Just please promise me this, promise me that this next year will be the best
The Best for birthdays
The Best for parties
The Best for our friendship
and the funnest year of our life

Please just promise me that this next year will be unforgetable.
Maybe we could make a list of things to acomplish/do in the next year and see if we do it and we could track our progress with pictures like a scavanger hunt type of thing or we could make a box of stuff and bury it

This next year will be the hardest for me to over come and i know that before i know it i will be hugging you bye at the airport or in your driveway saying bye to you as tears come spilling down my cheeks with Marie at my side. And I will say to you how much i love you and how i will miss you SO much. And bye, your gone, leaving me with the memories of our last year and our life.

i love you with all my heart.


I love you too Emily Matthews. I'm so sorry.

The Little Things

Its really funny how just the littlest things in the world set off emotions greater than Hurricane Katrina herself. I used to think in a way, that I never let the little things get to me, but now I have come to realize that it is the little moments in life that make up the greatest memories. It is the little things that make up that big journey that we call life. Every journey begins with the first step, therefore every little step in between is what carries us further down that road. In the end, it won't matter that much, but for the time being, the little things mean alot. I guess all this rambling, is just meant to say that I had an exciting day, because of a whole bunch of little surprises.

:]

I have a homecoming date! That never happens to me! In case you don't know, my name is Jenna Lowery and I have never had a date for anything, let alone homecoming. I'm so excited.

Good day to all who read.

at ease

What does it mean to be content with oneself? I've always wondered what exactly it meant to be satisfied or pleased with who we are. I guess it takes a certain feeling of excitement and happiness with ourselves, but whatever it is I think I have found it. I'm very pleased with what I have on my plate these days, good and bad, I'm content. I appreciate all of those whom I label as friends and I am looing forward to my future.

It was a very satisfying day, with very intellectual experiences with a few dear friends.
Thank you.