HA

If you are intelligent enough to figure such things out, you will see that to read you must be wise.
highlight and you shall see.

I'm a bit miffed.

Its hard for me (as we have read before) to create a somewhat cohesive thought here on a blog, or in my journal. Its very tedious, but I'm trying. Here I go:
What I need is compassion and understanding. I feel like I give enough of it to so many, that I too deserve something. I just feel so disconnected from so many and no matter where I go fir answers, something doesn't go right. I hate saying that, but it just seems so apparent all too often. I just don't seem to understand it anymore. I tried pushing everything aside for the longest time so that I could get over things and move on. I'd love to be over immature people and forgive and forget, but it seems that the people i seem most disconnected from are the ones i love the most. I feel so pushed aside and to be completely honest, i feel misunderstood. I don't understand the hypocrisy among my peers. I don't understand the difference in the situations, i'd like to to get together with so many of them and just talk, but somewhere along the lines of my effort, my subconscious mind kicks in and reminds me that the issue is too trivial to be discussed. I want some freaking answers, I'm dying inside people. I want to know why so many of my friends have become so far away from me. Its not just the boyfriend thing, is it? It couldn't be, because i'm seeing that occur across the board. oh deary me, i need answers. I'm not angry, im not frustrated, hell i'm not even sad. I'm simply baffled.
if you have answers, i'd like to hear them.

LOATHE;

In the beginning God made sure that we would all suffer from horrible math-related stress. The verse just never made it into The Old Testament, but nonetheless it is the truth.

UGH.

It is official, I am inspired by music. Not just any music though, it seems to be that music that has that simple chord that repeats itself through and through. I am moved by simple words of desperation and lyrics from the hearts and souls from so many out there. I desire so badly to create in moments like that. I hold myself back from so much these days, i sometimes wonder why I do that? Its a pretty recent thing for Jenna Lowery to have moments of a reserved character, but hey i guess it was time that I began that lame maturing process. I have so much going on right now. I need to breathe. Get away. I want to take a giant step backwards, away from reality, released from the clutches of so many responsibilities and obligations that I have brought on myself. I just want to stop. I get slightly annoyed and bitter over very trivial instances. Its frustrating inside and out. I want to stop these feelings. I want to shrug it off, but it just ain't that simple. Its so much more difficult. I have so many answers for so many people, but my questions are never answered. I need something. I'm lacking sustenance somewhere in my existence and I'm terribly ashamed to admit that. I should be able to turn to so many people and things. I have a boyfriend. I have incredibly great friends- near and far. I have a family. I have God. But sadly I can't seem to find the proper outlet for all these ambiguous, vague bipolar thoughts of the life i live. The thoughts fill the spectrum. they are positive and they are negative. I feel happy. i feel lost. i want to succeed, but at what? I have no clue. I sit here and write constantly about these changes i want and the things i must do, but do i ever accomplish them? Sadly- No. I do not. I dwell on what i dont, cant and shouldn't. where do i turn? Where? I feel judged and hurt from all angles. I can't help it. Maybe i pushed the ones that meant the most away, and now I'm settling for the loneliness. I'm not alone. I have people. But i don't talk. I just live. I smile. i laugh. I need to express my thoughts. but how? My writing is terrible, my music is horrifying and my passion for circus is not fed nearly as much as it should be. I want to talk to someone. I don't need feedback, i just need an ear. Would anyone care to treat me to some british tea? I know a great place where we could go and chat. I just need. I'm having one of those nights. The ones where you don't really know why things are the way they are, but if you could change them you would, regardless of the petty factor. Ugh. Jesus please talk to me. I'm skeptical again and I don't know what to do. I'm drained. Lets get together. YOU. Maybe you, preferably that one over yonder. I have stories to tell of all these things that fly from my brain to my fingertips straight to the keyboard here on my laptop in the dark. Maybe i should sleep.
Goodnight.

Then she swallowed a fly.

I'm walking. Walking forward. I have a direction. I'm on a path. I'm just not too sure where I've been. I know where I come from, but lately I feel like the past few weeks have been one big blur of emotions. Lately I've been in the mood to change the world. You know that feeling you get- the one where you feel like you're high above the clouds soaring like a winged meerkat puppy.- no? Alright. Anyways, I have ideas on how I'd like to change the world. I don't really know if its the world I'm looking to change or if its just a yearn to touch hearts and create smiles as i slowly wander down that path we all seem to struggle with. I don't really think I'm loud enough to change the world on my own. I do however think that i'm obnoxious enough to turn a few heads here and there as I attempt to do something with this spinning ball of dirt in the sky. I want to do something amazing. I want to be a part of something epic, but most of all i have a craving for creation. I want to create. I want to be responsible for something great and wonderful. I'm so passionate about so many things and i want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I can. I'm passionate for the Lord. I'm incredibly devoted to the art of circus. I want to perform. I yearn to write my heart out everyday. I want to return to the piano. I desire so deeply to be on stage everyday. I want to make the world laugh. I have a hankerin' to make the people smile. I enjoy the happiness that i have the ability to spread and most of all, I need to foster peace. I keep getting this feeling that my voice is strong and my fist weak. How do i go about changing an already changing world? I just keep doing what i'm doing, i guess. Maybe instead of drowning in a pool of auspicious thoughts i should instead make a plan of action. I'm a go write some lyrics.
Peace&love kids.

I'm out.
G'night!!