UGH.

It is official, I am inspired by music. Not just any music though, it seems to be that music that has that simple chord that repeats itself through and through. I am moved by simple words of desperation and lyrics from the hearts and souls from so many out there. I desire so badly to create in moments like that. I hold myself back from so much these days, i sometimes wonder why I do that? Its a pretty recent thing for Jenna Lowery to have moments of a reserved character, but hey i guess it was time that I began that lame maturing process. I have so much going on right now. I need to breathe. Get away. I want to take a giant step backwards, away from reality, released from the clutches of so many responsibilities and obligations that I have brought on myself. I just want to stop. I get slightly annoyed and bitter over very trivial instances. Its frustrating inside and out. I want to stop these feelings. I want to shrug it off, but it just ain't that simple. Its so much more difficult. I have so many answers for so many people, but my questions are never answered. I need something. I'm lacking sustenance somewhere in my existence and I'm terribly ashamed to admit that. I should be able to turn to so many people and things. I have a boyfriend. I have incredibly great friends- near and far. I have a family. I have God. But sadly I can't seem to find the proper outlet for all these ambiguous, vague bipolar thoughts of the life i live. The thoughts fill the spectrum. they are positive and they are negative. I feel happy. i feel lost. i want to succeed, but at what? I have no clue. I sit here and write constantly about these changes i want and the things i must do, but do i ever accomplish them? Sadly- No. I do not. I dwell on what i dont, cant and shouldn't. where do i turn? Where? I feel judged and hurt from all angles. I can't help it. Maybe i pushed the ones that meant the most away, and now I'm settling for the loneliness. I'm not alone. I have people. But i don't talk. I just live. I smile. i laugh. I need to express my thoughts. but how? My writing is terrible, my music is horrifying and my passion for circus is not fed nearly as much as it should be. I want to talk to someone. I don't need feedback, i just need an ear. Would anyone care to treat me to some british tea? I know a great place where we could go and chat. I just need. I'm having one of those nights. The ones where you don't really know why things are the way they are, but if you could change them you would, regardless of the petty factor. Ugh. Jesus please talk to me. I'm skeptical again and I don't know what to do. I'm drained. Lets get together. YOU. Maybe you, preferably that one over yonder. I have stories to tell of all these things that fly from my brain to my fingertips straight to the keyboard here on my laptop in the dark. Maybe i should sleep.
Goodnight.