HA

If you are intelligent enough to figure such things out, you will see that to read you must be wise.
highlight and you shall see.

I'm a bit miffed.

Its hard for me (as we have read before) to create a somewhat cohesive thought here on a blog, or in my journal. Its very tedious, but I'm trying. Here I go:
What I need is compassion and understanding. I feel like I give enough of it to so many, that I too deserve something. I just feel so disconnected from so many and no matter where I go fir answers, something doesn't go right. I hate saying that, but it just seems so apparent all too often. I just don't seem to understand it anymore. I tried pushing everything aside for the longest time so that I could get over things and move on. I'd love to be over immature people and forgive and forget, but it seems that the people i seem most disconnected from are the ones i love the most. I feel so pushed aside and to be completely honest, i feel misunderstood. I don't understand the hypocrisy among my peers. I don't understand the difference in the situations, i'd like to to get together with so many of them and just talk, but somewhere along the lines of my effort, my subconscious mind kicks in and reminds me that the issue is too trivial to be discussed. I want some freaking answers, I'm dying inside people. I want to know why so many of my friends have become so far away from me. Its not just the boyfriend thing, is it? It couldn't be, because i'm seeing that occur across the board. oh deary me, i need answers. I'm not angry, im not frustrated, hell i'm not even sad. I'm simply baffled.
if you have answers, i'd like to hear them.

LOATHE;

In the beginning God made sure that we would all suffer from horrible math-related stress. The verse just never made it into The Old Testament, but nonetheless it is the truth.

UGH.

It is official, I am inspired by music. Not just any music though, it seems to be that music that has that simple chord that repeats itself through and through. I am moved by simple words of desperation and lyrics from the hearts and souls from so many out there. I desire so badly to create in moments like that. I hold myself back from so much these days, i sometimes wonder why I do that? Its a pretty recent thing for Jenna Lowery to have moments of a reserved character, but hey i guess it was time that I began that lame maturing process. I have so much going on right now. I need to breathe. Get away. I want to take a giant step backwards, away from reality, released from the clutches of so many responsibilities and obligations that I have brought on myself. I just want to stop. I get slightly annoyed and bitter over very trivial instances. Its frustrating inside and out. I want to stop these feelings. I want to shrug it off, but it just ain't that simple. Its so much more difficult. I have so many answers for so many people, but my questions are never answered. I need something. I'm lacking sustenance somewhere in my existence and I'm terribly ashamed to admit that. I should be able to turn to so many people and things. I have a boyfriend. I have incredibly great friends- near and far. I have a family. I have God. But sadly I can't seem to find the proper outlet for all these ambiguous, vague bipolar thoughts of the life i live. The thoughts fill the spectrum. they are positive and they are negative. I feel happy. i feel lost. i want to succeed, but at what? I have no clue. I sit here and write constantly about these changes i want and the things i must do, but do i ever accomplish them? Sadly- No. I do not. I dwell on what i dont, cant and shouldn't. where do i turn? Where? I feel judged and hurt from all angles. I can't help it. Maybe i pushed the ones that meant the most away, and now I'm settling for the loneliness. I'm not alone. I have people. But i don't talk. I just live. I smile. i laugh. I need to express my thoughts. but how? My writing is terrible, my music is horrifying and my passion for circus is not fed nearly as much as it should be. I want to talk to someone. I don't need feedback, i just need an ear. Would anyone care to treat me to some british tea? I know a great place where we could go and chat. I just need. I'm having one of those nights. The ones where you don't really know why things are the way they are, but if you could change them you would, regardless of the petty factor. Ugh. Jesus please talk to me. I'm skeptical again and I don't know what to do. I'm drained. Lets get together. YOU. Maybe you, preferably that one over yonder. I have stories to tell of all these things that fly from my brain to my fingertips straight to the keyboard here on my laptop in the dark. Maybe i should sleep.
Goodnight.

Then she swallowed a fly.

I'm walking. Walking forward. I have a direction. I'm on a path. I'm just not too sure where I've been. I know where I come from, but lately I feel like the past few weeks have been one big blur of emotions. Lately I've been in the mood to change the world. You know that feeling you get- the one where you feel like you're high above the clouds soaring like a winged meerkat puppy.- no? Alright. Anyways, I have ideas on how I'd like to change the world. I don't really know if its the world I'm looking to change or if its just a yearn to touch hearts and create smiles as i slowly wander down that path we all seem to struggle with. I don't really think I'm loud enough to change the world on my own. I do however think that i'm obnoxious enough to turn a few heads here and there as I attempt to do something with this spinning ball of dirt in the sky. I want to do something amazing. I want to be a part of something epic, but most of all i have a craving for creation. I want to create. I want to be responsible for something great and wonderful. I'm so passionate about so many things and i want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I can. I'm passionate for the Lord. I'm incredibly devoted to the art of circus. I want to perform. I yearn to write my heart out everyday. I want to return to the piano. I desire so deeply to be on stage everyday. I want to make the world laugh. I have a hankerin' to make the people smile. I enjoy the happiness that i have the ability to spread and most of all, I need to foster peace. I keep getting this feeling that my voice is strong and my fist weak. How do i go about changing an already changing world? I just keep doing what i'm doing, i guess. Maybe instead of drowning in a pool of auspicious thoughts i should instead make a plan of action. I'm a go write some lyrics.
Peace&love kids.

I'm out.
G'night!!

I hate that this blog makes my photo blog not so new.

Well then, im slightly perturbed right now. i just don't get it. im trying really hard right now to figure things out. what the crap am i doing wrong? I need a break.


Hello world.
I'm doing just fine.

For anyone who is wondering, I have a new reading list, that is things that i am reading as of now:

The Science of God
A Return to Love
Animal Liberation
& Freakonomics.

Checkkkkkkkk em out.

pictures may tell more than i could ever.

This is going to be edited a lot throughout my life, but none the less it means something. It started out as a project for my psychology class, but since then it has evolved into yet another outlet for my story telling. enjoy.

The assignment called for me to take 10 photographs of my life that describe how is see myself and who i am as a person. i must admit that was probably one of the most difficult things i have ever had to do in my life- lame? Yeah. Deal with it. Here is my first thought of ten things that describe me, they will most likely periodically change.


Performing is a passion.



Long way home.



Sustenance.



Christ.



I'm not a writer, but i love to write.



Old People. Its a legit obsession.




















For the longest time, one of my life goals has been a cliché ambition. That desire is simply to create something with my life. I so badly want to make something of myself and of my life. Every day has been a constant battle with myself. I question my perception of perfection while I struggle to understand every little battle that I fight in this war we call life. I have wasted moments of my life trying to find myself when all along I was never lost. This photography essay has helped me become conscious of my big question of life. What is it? When it comes down to it I’ve come to grasp one thing. Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. These pictures define me. I’ve created them. So you see Ladies and Gentlemen I’m finally in the process of creation.

Home.

I'm home again.And i have to tell you it feels great, there is just something about the atmosphere here in Redlands that just makes me genuinely happy again. I've always been happy, but either way it just feels right to be home. i have alot of things to keep me busy when im home and im excited to take a break from school for a good week, maybe over christmas break i will get sick of home, but as for now i know its great to have breakfast with my mom and watch movies with my cat, Princess!!

:]

With 1000 sweet kisses, i will cover you.
PS;
Rent is a very underrated musical.
I like it very much.

Its getting easier.

:]
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I'm a cheery panda these days, im starting to feel a bit more worthy.
I'm excited.
There is a journey ahead and i'm walking with my head high!

WOO!

Face it.

I finally realized something today.Its actually a pretty basic something and to be quite honest i've told myself all too often in the past that I understand this something. What exactly am i rambling about you may question, well i'm starting to realize that i can do it.
do what?
Handle my issues.
I have a few very close friends who are very near and dear to my heart who have indirectly, wihtout knowing themselves, helped me understand that my walk on the path of life can and will be accomplished given the right amount of faith, hope, tears and love. I have so much strength to make it through lonely days and so much power to stand up and say "I can!". If i want to change the world, i so most definitely can. I just have to get on with it. open my mouth. raise my fist. shake some fucking action already. there is so much riding on this. I have a future. i have friends to lose. friends to gain. people to meet. a lover to hold. old friends. new friends. i want so badly to make my life what i want at the snap of a finger, i want to travel back in time and relive old memories. but i have to realize that the world is moving forward and so must i. i can't live in the past. i have to get over things. move on. grow. prosper. fly the nest. if they can do it. i can do it. because i have Him. maybe one day the friends that i had that i knew were genuine will show up in my life again, but until that time i have to make the best of what i have. i've already made great friends, understood what matters most in my heart. now i just need to put all of those emotions into a bowl, mix it all around and figure out where my talents lie, because in the end we all want to change the world, right?? That's our goal- to make a difference. well when i find my niche, i'm going to do something about this word we call "peace". i want to live it, with myself first. once i find peace with myself i can work from there. inner to outer. one thing at a time.
I've lied before when i said i had it all together. now im not so dishonest. im really starting to handle it all better. change, here we come!!
I love you all.

POO.

Oh how i loathe thee.
psychology that is.

Yes we did.

America, we did it.
We can do it.

It stings.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If you broke it, blame the person next to you. This is getting more and more difficult everyday. I must admit that it is beginning to take a toll on me. I hope that none of this effects the future. I'm scared. I hope, i wish that everything is ok.

I suppose i should just follow the quotation above.
:]

:[:]:/:]:[:/

Control?
Ugh.
Potential?
Gross.
Love?
I'm confused.
Dear Ms. Lowery,
I'm writing to inform you that you need not think. just stop, don't do it.
Stop comparing yourself to the rest.
You're great.
Comical.
Visually appealing- in the right lights.
Socially awkward in the best way possible
and your jeans, well aren't they something?

Jenna, Stop it.
You don't get it yet, but you just may mean the world to someone out there.

Why aren't there more songs like this??

"I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.

If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief."
-Willy Mason

Endure;

As human beings we are all destined for something.
Great things. Grand things. Bland things. Somethings.
We are meant to, at some point, understand endurance.
We endure hardships- whatever they may be- in our life.
Here is a challenge I have for you today-Do it with joy.

No matter your trials or tribulations, you are learning a very valid lesson:
Endurance.
Our struggles allow us to see where we are really at with our faith and with our fellow brothers and sisters on this planet. I find myself asking, "Is my faith real?" Even at my lowest points, do i still believe? What do i do in the midst of a struggle? Is it only when I am happy that I believe? Its not right for me to walk out on people in my life and the Lord if I'm at a low point. It is precisely then that I should believe more.

Whether its god or friends or lovers that you walk with, do you lose faith in them at your lowest?
Or do you continue to run, with endurance?

Endurance shapes us, its kind of maturing in a sense.

Help me help you.

I wonder what I'm waiting for sometimes.
Am i waiting on the world to change itself, or am I waiting for the opportune time to act up and live my life.
Changing it as I go.
I want Everything.
I want all things beautiful.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to be remembered.
I want to be.
I have all of these things though, so what more is it that I NEED.
I want peace, but none of that cliche world peace shit.
I want so much more than just a lack of a war.
I want peace with my self.
peace with nature.
peace with people.
I want there to be a global understanding of one another.
Help me achieve this.
Spread it how you may, but the world needs a few lessons on cultural reproduction.
Music. Dance. Art. Writing. Trapeze.
Just do it.

:]

HSM3;

I Need/Want to marry Zack Efron.
The End.

:]

School dayzz;

Jenna, get some sleep please.
You're running on reserve energy.
Its not healthy.

OR

NAHHHH..
Screw it.
Keep doing what you're doing.
You're still breathing afterall, right??

The phone thing is hard. Its really hard.

Paix;

I've come to notice recently that people are wearing peace signs quite often.
If its not a ring, its a necklace, or quite possibly just a cute ordinary t-shirt.
Its everywhere.
Target.
Wal-mart.
Hollister.
Claires.
Earrings.
Bags.
Socks.
bracelets.
Its not just a word people, its a way of life.
The thing about peace is that it needs to be universal.
Wake up children.
This isn't just a fashion trend, its a lifestyle.
If you're going to sport the symbol, you've got to live the symbol.
It's not just a word we can place on a handbag, or a symbol that we can make into a pair of earrings and sport it around because it looks great or because Paris Hilton wears it too.
The word symbolizes global change and hope for a better posture of the world, not just america.
That's where the universal bit comes in.
Its not just peace here.
its everywhere.
Paix.Pace.Paz.Peace.

I'm bothered by the trend. If you know what you're sporting then by all means wear it all over, but if you don't understand the concept of a peaceful world then please put that handbag down.

Its saturday;

He's still out to get me.
Just don't let me down.

Make of it what you will;

I'm taking a break from the bracelet.
Its somewhat symbolic.
You don't get it, but i do.
I'm giving myself a break for the night.


On a somewhat brighter note- Ottoman by Vampire Weekend is a great tune.
I'm really feeling it.
:]

Good night ladies and germs i'm going on a bike ride.
Its time for mama j to think about life and all it has to offer.
Life is good and she is going to take advantage of it.
Now she sits and thinks, tomorrow she lives.

...

my wishes at 11:11 have slowly, over time become a time of prayer for me.
Its always been that way, since i was young.
I start off with a simple wish, then i insert the lord's name and a few hopeful praises with phrases like, "please lord" or the occasional, "i pray lord that you could..." I think its funny how my mind works.
Today's wishful prayer revolved soley around the idea that i need to really become a deeper human being.
I too have moments of hypocrisy.I nag and complain about my dislike for ignorant, arrogant, disgusting thoughts of people. I dislike gossip and drama, yet somehow i too partake in it all. I'm a hypocrite.
I'm trying to reform my ways.
Here is my first step on my journey of reformation.

Nag me please;

I sometimes wonder at what point it is is in our lives that we realize what it is that we want.
I mean for the most part I'm a pretty stable gal who has a darn good head on her shoulders, who has all the will, drive and yearn to achieve so much. I want to be SOMETHING. I always here my mom, professors, trainers, friends and neighbors tell me about their struggles and their good time and all that jazz. It just seems to me that they finally found themselves so recently. They're old, or at least alot older than me and they have just barely begun to get what they want. I want to go back to my origin of inspiration. I want to walk across my front lawn and into Ms. Shirley's when i need advice. I want to scooter to the olive ave. market and get a small ice tea, i want to text marie that we are in dire need of life talks, pick her up instantly and just sit at fox coffee half talking half stalking. I want get on a ribbon, a web or a trapeze. i want my mom to yell at me for my room being messy. Why is it that we have such great times as we grow, but the minute you take us out of our comfort zones we get all confused and freaked out?? Maybe its just me. I want to go tanning with CC in her backyard, i want to awkwardly cry out yelps that sound like a donkey or an emu with april or run with jon through target playing hide and seek. I want to ride unicycles with jesse or get yelled at by emily during acro because i'm too loud. I guess i should just stop wanting and instead start doing. life is what i make of it, blah blah blah.
I'm making something of it everyday, but i'm still not sure that i'm creating what i want.

Oh Swifty;

Wow, that comment was definitely not meant to be taken at face value. I didn't intend for that reaction. That just goes to prove ladies and gents that reading satire after satire of Jonathan swift will surely give you a sarcastic, mocking tone to your everyday voice for the day. I think i offended one too many people today with my attempt at being funny. my bad.


Whoops!
oh well.
:]

Sup.

You can take the girl out of the circus, but you can't take the circus out of the girl.
Its the truth.
I will not escape- rather, it will not escape me.
I live for circus.
I miss it.
Just letting you know.
I miss it.
oh wait i said that already.
my bad.

greensnot;

DAMN YOU GODS OF SICKNESS AND RUNNY NOSES!!!!

I AM WORTHY;

I have this pressure behind my eyes.behind my brain.I so badly want to attribute it to the sinus infection.the runny nose. or possibly the conjested nasal cavity.I'm sure its none if these. I have this weight on my mind, my soul, my body.
I don't know how to relieve it- scratch that, i know just how to relieve it but i can't seem to reach far enough out to grasp on to the only antidote that i know exists. I feel in my heart and soul that what i need most is to go back to my knees where i met my savior not too long ago. judge me all you want ladies and gents but i am a follower of jesus christ. i struggle with it just like everyone else, but nonetheless i try my hardest to live with him on my side, walking my path, loving me. i have this issue though, with people, with blind faith, with arrogance. I love jesus, he gets me, but i have this dis-respect (if that's even correct grammar) for the arrogance of so many christ followers in today's society. so many ignorant, arrogant comments about the christian life disgust me. i am having trouble laying my crown at the feet of jesus. I can't help but feel a constant flow of happiness from the liberating feeling that jesus brings me, but at the same time i can't help but feel binded from the many flaws of people and religion. our pastor asked if anyone was struggling in the slightest in any aspect of their life today. he wanted to know if anyone was having trouble holding on to the hope of the kingdom of god. he wanted to know who was straying away from the arms of jesus. he wanted those who needed a prayer, a hug, guidance to stand today to be prayed for- or whatever it may be that was troubling us. I stood up today at church. i stood in a courageous effort to let myself know that i have to admit that i need some help here and there. i was told today, by someone i care for dearly that i wasn't worthy enough to stand at the feet of christ. how am i supposed to feel unconditionally loved when someone tells me that i didn't deserve to be prayed for this evening?? "I wouldn't have been so arrogant jenna, I wouldn't have stood. I would not have stood with you . I'm sorry, i don't mean to make a judgement call on you, but you really didn't deserve to stand up today. There are so many more problems in the world. people deal with death, disease and famine, but you- you have such miniscule issues in your life compared to so many. Don't you think it was selfish that you stood to be saved tonight?" I don't get it.


I'm sorrry, I must have felt worthy there for a second, my bad.

Rock n' Roll :]

"He’s been waiting around for the weekend
Figuring which club to sneak in
Fancy drinks and fifty-dollar cover charge
Lately it’s been a big hassle
Heineken and New Castle
So make sure he’s fitting in and living large
Disregard the lies that he will tell
and what he’s probably like 'cause
It's not hard his charm is gonna
Get him through the night
If he wants to rock he rocks
If he wants to roll he rolls
He can roll with the punches
Long as he feels like he’s in control
If he wants to stay he stays
If he wants to go he goes
He doesn’t care how he gets there
Long as he gets somewhere he knows oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
See her heavy make up and cut t-shirt
Every girl out wants to be her
But they look the same already why adjust
Reading the magazine secrets
Forgetting the topical regrets
If she comes home all alone the nights a bust
It’s a must the swivel in her hips
And the look she gives
It’s all her trust if only in the morning
She knew where she lived
'Cause If she wants to rock she rocks
If she wants to roll she rolls
She can roll with the punches
Long as she feels like she’s in control
If she wants to stay she stays
If she wants to go she goes
She doesn’t care how she gets there
Long as she gets somewhere she knows oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
ah na na na na na na na na na na na
And in a wink they’re on the brink
From drink to drink and at the bar
With cash to blow
From shot to shot it’s getting hot
Advance the plot to see how far
It’s gonna go
All depends so ditch the friends
And grab a cab
Another chance for cheap romance
Doesn’t count cause the room is spinning
Nothing to lose tonight they both are winning
And they fall in love as they fall in bed
They sing
If they want to rock they rock
If they want to roll they roll
They can roll with the punches
Long as they feel like they're in control
If they want to stay they stay
If they want to go they go
They don’t care how they get there
Long as they get somewhere they know oh no
ah na na na na na na na na na na na"
-Eric Hutchinson :]

Now;

All we can do is keep breathing.

khkshgls;

Its funny how I always seem to have so much to say all of the time no matter where i am at or what i am doing at that particular moment of my life. i always have something that i can/need to say. my thoughts are constantly flowing through my brain. they spread like wildfire at any given moment. most of the time i can say them freely and burst with words and sounds colorful gestures. Here is the thing though, i can only seem to burst out with utter happiness and constant joy. the bad stuff gets pent up inside of my brain. i can decided why. i dont understand if its because i'm too afraid to admit the flaw to myself or if its my inherently optimistic outlook on life that prevents me from seeing the flaws with reality. I swear somewhere along the lines my subconscious is blocking the negativity from my mind for some ridiculous reasons. i can't quite place my finger on it. I don't understand it. why can't i just say how i feel instead of writing it all in my journal or posting ambiguous blogs of nonsense. they never make sense, but that's the beauty to them and to me. me and the words formed here dont really seem to make sense. I need to learn to say how i feel when the emotion occurs. it does no good to hold inside because at that point it becomes old news. i have to tell people. but who want s to listen? the book. thats who. so i continuously write. lyrics. poetry. short stories. notes to myself. letters to them. and even some doodles. I can't hold it all in. maybe if i was more open with my thoughts people would be willing to understand the insanity, but im not even sure that this chaos is worthy of the word insanity. its not really all that bad. just a case of tears here, love there, hate there, BPD there, hurt, pain, love, nostalgia, death, disease, control issues, friendships lost, friendships gained, friends misplaced. its a mere mess of life. we all have it. some of us sweep it under the rug, others just clean the house top to bottom only to have it messy again. I tend to sweep it up and make a pile in the corner, but that pile is growing larger and its getting to be a huge problem. You can't ignore the elephant in the room. so here is my chaos-thus far. don't judge me. help me. call me. tell me you're there, even if its just for a nice chat about the weather. I'm not insane by any means. JUST HURT. Its a cumulation of pain though. Its my fault, and im ready to start repairing the damages.
On another note, I really enjoyed the united states of Leeland. I liked this quote alot.
"the funny thing about tears are they can't make somebody love you who doesn't love you anymore."- United States of Leeland.

Want;

I get this funny feeling that we aren't friends anymore and it hurts.
I can't quite place my finger on it though.
I keep lying to myself saying everything is the same and nothing has changed.
I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm starting to question myself.
I want to make things work, on all sides of the spectrum.
I want to work it out with him and him and even him.
I want to talk to her.
I want to know why.
I want to stop wanting.


Gosh.

He who thinketh little of my thoughts;

I don't really care what you think.
I'm interested by it.
I'm intelligent.
Thank you.

Cahhh-lege.

I'm strong, but damnit this is harder than I expected.
This is definitely more difficult than I bargained for.
I can do it, but I miss so many people.
They're having such great lives and I'm not a part of any of it.
I will come home and visit eventually but as of right now its so hard to pretend that this change is completely ok with me.
I'm sorry, but I miss circus oh so much!
I want to live out my passion.
I want to tumble and swing and spin my way into the world.
I want to sing and dance and laugh and play!
OH DEARY ME!!!!!

GIVE ME BACK MY CIRCUS LIFE!

Haha;

I'm a liar!
I don't actually care about what you're saying.

Oh jason,

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
D-d-do do you, do you, d-d-do, do you want to come?
Scooch on over closer dear, I'll whisper in your ear
Oh yes love, love love love love love
Love you love, love you love
I've been spending way too long tricking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Come on and open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
So please don't, there's no need
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours, I'm sayin' I'm yours

-Jason Mraz.
That silly little devil. He is so wise.

Golden age;

This is the golden age.
We are living for now.
The ones we love will stick right by us.
Distance is merely an obstacle to hop right on over.
I can do this.
Its simple.
Make new friends, but keep the old.
Stay in touch with the ones you love.
But venture out, don't think, just do.
LIVE your life.
Its easier said than done, i know, but we can do it.
Just stay true to yourself.
Change with your years, but keep your character.
You've got this.
:]

Blah.

I just want my mommy.

WHY?

Me and Change don't mix well.
I hate to be so profane in my attempt to hate the world, but-FUCK CHANGE.
I don't exactly welcome change with open arms.
Its just not my thing.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm very anxious and excited for new things and new people but I can't handle walking away from my bedroom.
I don't want to.
I already said goodbye to jonny boy.
Now everyone who i'm going to leave behind is next on my list of farewells.
OYE!!!!!!
I Don't want to leave.

:/

CHANGE.

Fuck that shit.











I don't do change.

stupid.face;

For your information, I do have my own blog, I do write on it everyday, and people DO care what I have to say.

Revelations;

I was so against everything for the longest time.
I was upset with the fact that I couldn't control the changes that were taking place around me.
I wasn't in the driver seat.
I wasn't writing my own story.
Now here i sit a few months older and only a bit wiser.
I've come to a few conclusions, made a few theories and realized on thing:
YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO LIVE, THIS DOESN'T GUARANTEE YOU THE ABILITY TO CONTROL IT, HOWEVER; YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WISH WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.
There is no guarantee given to us at birth that says we are all meant to live a happy enjoyable life.
In fact most people are not that fortunate.
The simplest trick to life is to take what you have and run with it.
Whether it be money, pizazz, a loving family or great skin that you are blessed with, you have something to offer this mean and dirty world.
I can't control things that cross my path, I can however; leap over them or trip a few times.
You'll learn to be fearless. You will learn to get up one more time than you fall down.
We will all realize things.
I have learned that it is NOT my job to fix everyone's problems.
I will forever have those who love me in my heart forever.
I can't control the people I choose to surround myself with.
I can ONLY control my reactions with them. I can choose who to hang out with and how often.
WHETHER I BELIEVE IT OR NOT I LIVE MY LIFE.
I was naive for a long time.
Not as much anymore.
I'm still learning.
I've got things to learn and mistakes to make.
Its a new day.
I'm ready to face things, fix my mistakes and rebuild old relationships.
I love my friends and family.
I needed to refind my aspirations, and I have.
It feels great.

.

SAD PEOPLE ARE SO MOIST.

Family ties;

Have You met Frank Sullivan?
He is a rather interesting young lad.
:]

Humor;

Or this face;
:]
HAHA.

haha;

What if I looked like this when I laughed?
Instead of laughing, I'd just make this face whenever I though something was funny.
HA.
I make myself chuckle.

Animal crackers in my soup;

All of this negative energy is so draining.
Bleh.
I'm excited to tackle new obstacles.
I'm stoked to achieve my goals.
I'm not ready for the change but I can do it.
:]
I need to get out of here, as much as I don't want to leave, I need to grow up.
Fly the nest.
Insert other cliche metaphor here.


I'll be back to Jenna Yvonne Guzman-Lowery before you know it.
I'm just stressed is all.

poo.

Poo in my soup.
I miss you.
And you're right there.
I feel like we're drifting, and it hurts.
Don't walk away.

The Pig of Happiness is a good book;

I really don't think they like me anymore.
Thats a bit too presumptuous to say, but its the way I feel.
The worst part is that I'm the reason the summer has played out the way it has.
I need to clean my Goddamn room. I think I'll be happier once that actually gets accomplished. I want them to know I care.
I want to succeed.
I want to pursue my goals.
I need help.
I need money.
I need for the world to stop throwing hate parties.
If you are happier, we're all happier.
Lets get happy.
Please?
I love lucy episodes anyone? They cheer me up.
The constant emotional roller coaster ride, the chaotic stress and the hurting is all due to one girl's insanity.

It's actually quite ridiculous how absolutely different I have become. I know its true. How ironic. The girl who fears change more than death itself, has slowly triggered the metamorphosis effect. I hate to admit it myself, and I know anyone I talk to will deny it to my face but speak of it when I'm gone...I am slowly maturing and I'm not so sure I'm liking it. I don't know what to do anymore!

Ha! Yet again, I have this knack for writing ambiguous depression blogs. To those who do not know me or do not see me on a regular basis, I need for you to know that I am healthy ( for the most part), and extremely happy. It just so happens that I prefer to discus the sadder lonelier side of my feelings in a much more introverted way. I have too much happiness pent up inside of me all too often that comes out easily, yet somehow it never makes it to my fingertips or this keyboard. I apologize. I swear I am not a deranged lunatic.
Life is good and the Lord is great.
I'm just noticing my flaws lately and it hurts.
Some people point them out to me, thats always really nice...remembering your flaws and stuff. Great. NOT.


I'm made up of a lot of flaws, but I'm sticked together with good intentions.

I swear to god my life could be an indie film;

I'm just scared now.
I'm afraid that I'm going to be the only one who isn't moving forward.
I've come to a point in my life where its difficult to maintain everything.
I have support, but its coming from the wrong angles.
I have love, but its not helping me where I most need it.
I'm having a hard time actually going in the direction that I have been telling myself to go in for my entire existence.
Its scary when you can't control life's obstacles, but its even more frightening when you are in complete control of all of the issues that are sitting right in front of you.
You are the reason you are mad.
You are the reason others are upset.
You are the reason that task wasn't completed.
You are the one who can't make IT happen.
Its all on you, and its the hardest thing to cope with.
Its the time in all of our lives where we are supposed to live carefree, happy-go-lucky lives.
Its just not as easy as it seems.
People get by just fine, some live with cancer, some destroy their lives with alcohol, sex, drugs and eating disorders.
People live through abuse, so why should I be complaining?
I have debated this over and over in my head for the past year.
I have come to a healthy conclusion.
BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY DAMN RIGHT TO BE UPSET.
I am in the driver seat, therefore; if I am unhappy with a situation that I can control I can be devastated with a wrong-turn on my path to so-called greatness.
I'm tired of vague internet blurbs, I'm annoyed at myself with my notorious ambiguous comments of mild sadness.
Its time I lay it out in flat print so I can tell MYSELF why I'm so damn upset with this particular segment of my life.

I want to go to college. I want to go on and start new things. I need to do this on my own. Its better that way. I may not have a place to live. I may not have a car to use, but damnit I need to live my life. I want to go to Fullerton but when I'm lacking support its hard to say that that is the path for me. I'm scared that I am going to go all out on a goal or dream only to be severely dissapointed and hear "I Told You So". I want to get to the top, but I KNOW its not that easy. Just sympathize with me when I'm upset. Honesty is great, but sometimes bullshit sympathy is nice to hear. This is me ranting. I'm sorry. I just am very proud of myself for spilling this to myself and the very few readers that I know care enough about me to graze this web page with their eyes. THANK YOU for caring.

I need to change my ways.
I need to be upfront and stop hiding everything.
I have this tendency to try to fix everything as it comes along, even if its not broken.
Maybe if I just leave things be and live my life in an honest godly way, things will be nicer.
II just need space. Money would be nice, but I'll just gamble or something instead.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I need to pick up a new hobby to relieve my stress.

I love you, yes you.

.

I have to stop running away.

Empty Promise.

"I wish you would stop filling people with empty promises"
I told my self this tonight.
I suppose its my defense mechanism though.
I say something, not knowing whether or not I'll be able to fulfill an obligation or a promise.
Ladies and gentlemen, they're called empty promises and I am apparently the queen of handing them out.
If you have ever been a victim of an empty promise from me i apologize now for any pain i may have caused you.
I'm sincerely sorry.
I'm almost positive that if i lose that flaw my life just may become a lot easier.

?

I hope I'm not too horribly disappointing.

.dlrow eht fo pot no

Its one of the worst feelings you can feel in your lifetime. It usually happens just like the economy. We've got our expansions and contractions. There are your peaks and your troughs. There are the recessions and depressions. They all occur, some more than others all depending on how you live, what you do, and all that jazz. They run in cycles and there is no telling when an event is going to trigger you into something grand or something bland. Now aside from the absolutely unnecessary analogy, its true that I'm not feeling to hot today.
Its almost as if I was standing on top of the world, with tons of great things in my arms and balanced upon my head, knick knack sweetly placed amongst my chest and tons of random items all around. It kind of became intensely hard to balance it all. I kept holding on, balancing and shifting, but then I sort of started to drop some things and almost lose my balance. Finally I just sort of fell, still on top of the world, but a little shaken up and very frazzled. Everything was just sort of thrown around, misplaced and a few things were broken. I guess thats kind of how I feel right now. I still feel on top of the world, I live a rather exuberant life, but there are few things that are really starting to get to me. I am the culprit of my own demise. Its all good. Jesus is here in my heart. I know it.

I don't want to say goodbye.

Ps;

Today was a good show day.
You missed out.
I'm happy.
I'm fine without you.

nwod em tel ouy;

You let me down yet again.

really now?

Remember that time i didn't suck at life?
It seems kind of vague, i don't quite remember the last time i didn't screw up something. I guess the easiest way to describe my emotions at this point is just plain confused. I've got alot on my mind, but who really cares? We've all got issues, apparently, so why should anyone else's take precedence over the next guy's? I'm sure there are plenty of us out there who are struggling with social deformities, domestic casualties and over all disappointments in the realm of our so called dramatic lives. I'm not sure where to even begin on my issues. Alls I know is that I'm confused. If you'd like to know a little more, just ask. Maybe I'll be able to tell you. oy.

.

I'm an emotional little creature.

;lk;j;fhg

I refuse to cry over you.
I will not cry about this.
I am stronger than that.
I think.
oy.

Calendar Girl.

"If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
Calendar Girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Calendar Girl who is lost to the world
Stay Alive
Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive
January, February, March, April, May I'm alive
June, July, August, September,October I'm alive
November, December, you all through the winter, I'm alive
I'm alive."
-Stars

sj;la;'aps

Sometimes I get the urge to ask her when the fuck she is going to grow up and get her life together.

its true;

Sometimes when I begin to miss you I'll listen to songs that remind me of you.
And in some pathetic attempt to make myself feel cool, I pretend that you do the same.

What the eff?

Is it completely normal for a human being like myself to be completely content and satisfied with every aspect of his/her life and the next moment be overcome with confusion, apprehension, and disgust at the very things they were completely happy with just one moment ago?

Happy Birthday Mama;

I love you mama.
You are my everything.
Happy Happy Birthday Dearest.
:]

ipod;

oh shuffle, how i lovest thou.

There are 43 carcinogens in every cigarette;

I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked. I wish I smoked.
Maybe then I'd actually have a reason for having so many problems., not to mention I'd be skinnier and alot less stressed out.
Its common knowledge that cigs make anyone look desirable or 'hot'. Thats always a plus, right? It doesn't necessarily make you look cooler, BUT I don't smoke. Its disgusting, and don't forget extremely unhealthy as well. I'm fine with who I am. Life is good. Kind of. I wish I smoked.

But he's funny;

Thats got to count for something.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not confused.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I just can't seem to bring myself to say it out loud for fear i'd be rejected.

She lived in her own little world, with no regard to the people that surrounded her.
She consumed herself in fantasy and thought in a deep oblivion.

Come one, come all;

I'm redefining Jenna Lowery.
Its a change for the better, its a switch to the greater.
I'm reinventing myself.
Follow my lead.

The Improved Jenna Lowery;

This is alot harder than I expected.
I can do it.
I CAN DO IT.

Most of my tasks are rather trivial and simple, but damnit there are some things I feel like I can't do.
Help me.

Tell me I can.

Shuffle.

"Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears"
And It can do so much more
Sometimes it even knows what you're thinking, Its as if the gods of shuffle want you to continually think, ponder and even dwell on all your past, present and future troubles.
The gods of shuffle can do alot to a person. They know what you're thinking, trust me.

Piano Song:

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you
And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
-Meiko.

Ripe.

The dear words of Ben Lee:

The moon sheds light across the end of the bed
You made me wait but now I’m touching your leg
And I remember all the little things that you said
Quesadillas made with cheese and a rock band who were Japanese.
So for once
In my life I saw what I wanted
And took a bite
I picked the fruit from the tree
And it was ripe
Your love got big your jokes got worse each afternoon
Like Bacon at a bah Mitzvah like a lead balloon
And whose to say what really happened in that room each day
I was looking for a bride, you were looking for a groom.
So for once in your life
You saw what you wanted and took a bite
You picked the fruit from the tree and it was ripe.
And all you people are the heroes I’ve known
We’re staring off the edge into the unknown
We on our day? but we cannot go home
So we cry and we sing
Yeah I remember everything
How for once in our lives
We saw what we wanted and took a bite.
We picked the fruit from the tree and it was ripe.
And it was ripe, and it was ripe, and it was ripe.
-Ben Lee.

You Ex-lover is Dead.

I really like this song:

When there is nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said "yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
And now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road, from real love
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
-Stars.

You Ex-lover is Dead.

When there is nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said "yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
And now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road, from real love
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Its just allergies.

Have you ever legitimately blamed your tears on allergies?
Honestly, have you ever wanted someone to believe you're truly ok, and that life is fine and dandy?
I do it all the time.
I'm sorry.
Its one of my secrets.

This is that part of the race that tends to send bitter-sweet feelings running up and down my spine.
Its the hardest part of the race in my opinion.
Its closer to the end, its the part where you can see the finish line but you're starting to ask yourself whether or not you can handle it. Its the part that requires the most energy and effort. Its at this point that we have to give 100% of our focus to finding ourselves. Its the hardest part. After this race, there are going to be tons more, some of them will be 24 hour walk-a-thons and others will be 48 hour marathons. I'm pushing myself. I'm going as fast and as far as I can until I collapse from exhaustion. It would be so much easier if there weren't so many obstacles and hurdles to jump over. I know I have support, but it all just seems so foggy lately.

The only way to truly rid my mind of problems is to vent.
I usually feel bad spilling my heart out to people, its almost as if I feel bad wasting their time. Afterall, we all have our tragic little life stories. We all have to deal with them.

This is where the balloons come in handy.
I've decided that I'm going to write down all of my problems on little pieces of paper.
Each little piece of paper is going to be tied to a balloon and I'm going to let go. I'm going to let go of all the problems that are out of my control. Its going to help. I hope.

I've come to realize alot of things lately, and I think its time for me to grow in body, mind, spirit and maybe character.
& I think I need to be the bigger person.

:D
Let me have your children.
That is all.
blah blah blah.
I'm in class.
I'm not really listening to the teacher though.
Oh well.
Maybe I should stop typing nonsense and actually pay attention to her lecture.
Nahhhh...
Its about lame stuff.

Surprise surprise.

gbxkfdmnb zxl
';
'df lmf'g'l;d;
lkdfn df
g klhnkl gnh
sfkhn
g

hgkj lgkh

Its a bitter sweet symphony, this life we live.
When its good its good.
When its bad its bad.

Good song.

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain...


Just thought everyone should know.
I'm in class, I should close this window before ms. T-pain walks by.
:]


Enjoy.

Pretend you love me.

I am one of those people who constantly associates songs I listen to, to people in my life. Is that weird? Does anyone else do that too? I sometimes like to believe that everyone else does the exact same thing, but more so I hope that people think of me when they listen to their music. I often pretend it, it makes me feel really special. It seems really lame on the surface, but in reality...yeah, ok I'm lame.

NO!

Remember Thomas the tank engine who always choo chooed up the mountain saying, "I think I can, I think I can"?
Well I'm A-choo chooing all over the place yelling, "Im not sick, I'm not sick"
I don't get sick.
I'm never sick.
I won't get sick.
I can't get sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I'm not sick.
I don't get sick.

Dress up.

We played dress up at Courtney's house tonight.
Courtney has some pretty nifty ummm...clothing.
Wow.
I'm going to be a rather outrageous vixen when I finally cut loose.
Whoever has me is going to be one lucky fellow.

The day I finally blossom all of god's angels will sing beautiful,whimsical hymms.
You just listen.

It will be a while I'm sure, so for now I'll stick to my usual:
Modest is Hottest.

;)

Purple Pickled Mushrooms

I have decided that life is good. No, I take that back, life is great. I want to accomplish so many things, I want to tackle so many problems and I'd love to leap over every obstacle. Certain people in my life are giving me so much to work with it. I'm excited for the future. I'm ready. I'm going to run this race, I'm going to keep going. Watch me.


:]

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
-Ingrid.

The weather and itunes have this remarkable way of knowing exactly how I feel at a given time. Shuffle seems to work well for me. The songs that play throughout my life, always work well in every situation. The weather never fails.
I Don't like feeling this way.
I want something. I don't know what. I do know. I'm afraid to admit it. I want my life to go in the direction I steer it. I want to go back to the old days, when everything was simple.

Ugh.

I really miss you.